Dopamine Chaser

 I feel like a loser. It's true, most of the time, no matter how much I've learned, I still see my current state so far away from my target state and think "Oh my god, I'm such a loser".

So when I get the opportunity to flex, and I accidentally achieve something, I run and do that. I could be having a dozen other critical things to do, but I choose the dopamine first. Using the word depressed* in the non-clinical (hopefully) sense, I'm almost always depressed*, except when I'm chasing dopamine or when I'm actually working on my dreams. I hope this blog doesn't become a diagnosis, if you're a therapist reading this, I have no money, please help me.

I'm doing exactly that right now, I'm writing a blog instead of doing what I need to do, because writing, when I need to be doing something more important and posting this gives me dopamine! Honestly, this blog will not teach you anything. I just wanted to write because it's been so long and this makes me really happy. Creating art in general makes me feel very happy, it feels like a mix of messy emotions with whimsy, creativity and magic. As a person who's in STEM, art feels like liberation. And that's probably why Homi Bhabha and Mona Patel (Can I include Leonardo Da Vinci here without sounding like a weirdo?) are my role models. I don't feel like I'm a logical thinker, I feel like I'm an artist wearing the clothes of an engineer. Or vice versa. I feel like an imposter when I'm doing either of those things. And I keep finding ways to mix them, like an idiot. I'm always finding creative ideas in engineering spaces and at work, especially when presenting or when solving a problem. I'm always watching or reading science-fiction and then drawing those characters and try to see science in everyday world and think "wow the world is like an art piece".

I stumbled upon this word, polymath, and I was absolutely delighted to find a word that could describe me! Maybe I could find others like me! Until I found out it requires "expertise" or being "above average" at multiple things. I'm equally terrible at multiple things, not fully knowing any of them and with my track record, expertise is at the horizon. I'm more likely to find a new thing to explore before I get anywhere with all the things I've grazed.

That's depressing*, and that's why I need dopamine. It's so selfish of me to write a blog entirely about myself. It's also fun and a little silly to write this because it feels like the biggest false description of everything that I am while freely admitting to thought crimes. Being terrible at multiple things while having the ego the size of the sea is a disaster. While claiming to be better at the multitude things I do, I'm actually doing a less than mediocre job at them without thought and then failing spectacularly. This is also accompanied by a multitude of dreams for the multitude of things and the gap of being far from achieving any of them. This makes me an egoistic ambitious narcissist with no self-awareness and hence the obvious consequence is that I don't mix well with society. Talk about a bundle of disasters. And while not following societal norms, practicing freedom to the extent the word freedom cannot contain, whether in thoughts, action, lifestyle or words, I still fail spectacularly at the multitude of things.

This makes the society hate me even more! Because I remain the way I am, the loser with ego and freedom, not even having the audacity to prove that my "erroneous" path leads to success. Not for the lack of trying, no. But for the unfortunate occurrences that luck evades me for the little time I actually try before falling into depression*. It's a tragic comedy. Ah, but I still have those dreams. I have a horrible memory, short term or long term, I don't even remember my childhood. But I remember all my dreams and what I desired to get from the multiple things I grazed. Carrying all those dreams hurts. Knowing maybe some of them which I currently prioritize may not be achieved hurts. And so I need dopamine.

I forgot to say that I feel like a failure too. Though, does it really need to be said? I've failed so many times. People say winners are the ones who kept going despite failures, but do they know of those who kept going and kept failing? Trying is glorified, I too glorify it out of necessity. And people tell me to rest. Because they see me as a desperate shell with nothing but dreams, they see my greed. How can I express that resting feels like giving up? Though I've already given up? But god, I'm so tired. At some point of writing this, I started crying. I discovered crying gives me dopamine too.

Another thing I wanted to write about, before concluding. People say that I'm so serious. What am I so bothered about? Why am I always depressed and such a maniac? I see it in their eyes, the questions and non-understanding of my absurdity. I wish I knew. I wish I knew where I got my drive from. Although I don't really know if you could call this drive. It's glorification of self-destruction. I feel the need to defend myself now, I'm still truly happy when I make progress. I'm hellishly excited about new things. Achievements give me dopamine. I think I just somehow give myself both depression* and dopamine.

Memoir of a dreamer

Splashes of colors and dreams
Tears mix with my sweat
Crossroads of comfort rips at the seams
And I run towards dread

My dreaded precious dreams
Colors mix into red
Heart pulsing with greedy screams
And I never choose the bed

Squinting towards blurry dreams
Emotions blurring what's ahead
Was it my destiny to still have dreams?
And I fail instead

Can this go out onto the internet? Oops I clicked on Publish for the dopamine. And before you ask me, yes, I have two heads. Nice to meet you!